GUN SAFETY: Trigger Control.

Man this is horrifying. For gods sake, if you are ever handling a firearm, especially a twitchy automatic handgun, please keep your finger off the trigger until you want to fire the facking thing!!!

I Hate The News

I hate the TV news, I always have the feeling they are lying to me. I would like to see this sort of thing happen more often.

Maybe just to the male anchorpersons.

Britney At Her Best

I don't much care for ol Britney Speared, but this is some of her best work... She really lets it all hang out.

Thanks to my good friend Billy Hunt for this gem!

POGO PARTY!!!

This is the best political party commercial ever!

These guys and gals are the German Pogo Party, an anarchist movement.

The party was founded in 1981 by two 17-year-olds with the nicknames Zewa (a leading handkerchief brand) and Kotze (vomit). In the following years it was joined by many punks and organized many demonstrations, which were sometimes ended by the police, often leading to arrests.

The party was dissolved in 1986, but was recreated in 1994 and soon chose to participate in elections. In the 1997 Hamburg city elections the APPD received 5.3% of the votes in St. Pauli and thus became the fourth-strongest party.

In 1998 the APPD ran in the Bundestag election with Karl Nagel as its candidate for the chancellorship, and using slogans like "Work is shit" ("Arbeit ist Scheiße") and "Drinking, drinking, each day only drinking" ("Saufen! Saufen! Jeden Tag nur saufen"). The APPD failed, however, to gain the 0.5% of the votes needed to pay to the voters in the form of a promised large party with free beer.

With approximately 35,000, or 0.1%, of the votes, the APPD outperformed the LaRouchist BüSo party and the German Communist Party DKP. Finally the party was dissolved in 1999. In December 2000 the APPD was reestablished in Munich, but did not participate in the Bundestag election of 2002.

For the participation in the European election 2004 sufficiently many signatures were collected, these did not arrive however due to a mistake by party chairman Christoph Grossmann.

Today (2006) there exist two new anarchist pogo parties that have split from the old APPD: the Pogo-Partei and DEPP (Deutsche Einheits Pogo Partei - United German Pogo Party, Depp can be translated as idiot.

Goals :

Right for unemployment with full salary

Youth pension instead of retirement pension

Cancellation of compulsory education

Creation of centers for physical love

Abolition of police

Legalization of all drugs

Funny shit!

HOW TO LOSE YOUR JOB #2: Jim Is Cheap!

This is great, this drunk chick lets it rip on the boss at an office party. Shame he is standing right behind her!

HEALTHWATCH: Capgras Syndrome!

Here's one for all you paranoid conspiracy freaks out there (like me).

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband looks a little different? Maybe acts strangely or seems to forget things you have done together?

Maybe they are a clone, a doppelganger if you will, an alien replicant living amongst us! Or perhaps a foreign agent?

Or maybe you are just FACKING NUTS!!

Welcome to the world of Capgras Syndrome.

This Mental disorder involves the delusion that a significant other, such as a parent, spouse or other relative, is being impersonated by an imposter. Sufferers sometimes attack the supposed double. The delusion can also extend even to oneself, with the person convinced that the reflection in the mirror is that of an imposter. While extremely rare, it is linked with brain damage, psychotic disorders and various neurological problems that somehow interfere with normal face recognition abilities. The syndrome owes its name to the French psychiatrist who first described it.

The funniest thing about this illness is the complete delusion that these losers have that they are important enough to be screwed around with by aliens or spies, I bet most of them are complete plebs with nothing discernible to spy on or infiltrate!

Facking Hollywood has a lot to answer for!

I suggest treatment by getting the spouse to handcuff and gag-ball the poor fool for a week or two, with intermittent cattleprod therapy.

I know that mental illness is nothing to make fun of, but I find it funny that people can start to think that something remotely exiting/important is happening in their insignificant lives. Get a mundane form of craziness to go along with your mundane life!

Your wife isn't an alien sent to spy on you dude. Your just an average mong that needs to wake up to reality. If he doesn't snap out of it, throw him off a facking freeway overpass before he gets dangerous!

SPORTSDESK: Bull Poker!

This is one of the best new sports I've seen, definitely my favorite rodeo event ever! I like bulls. Facking hard bastards!

Best Idol Performance Ever!

I usually take little notice of this "Idol" shit, but this girl has a unique air about her, a magical performance reeking of honesty, she really gives it to us from deep down.

GUNS OF HIGH DISTINCTION: Sauer & Sohn

The Sauer & Sohn name is synonymous worldwide with the art of gun making. They have been making guns since 1751.
They are Germanys oldest gun manufacturer.

Sauer & Sohn first produced defense and military weapons, eventually turning their focus to hunting guns. From the very start, the company made it a priority to use high-grade materials and processing methods core values that are still maintained today.

The beautiful rifles shown here are from the "Meisterworks" collection. You can have your own unique weapon made and hand engraved. If you have enough deutchmarks!



My Favorite one is the one with the elephants. Here is the story behind that particular
rifle,"”Ahmed of Marsabit”:

Ahmed of Marsabit was and still is the most famous elephant ever to have roamed the African continent. The territory around Mount Marsabit in Kenia may always have been renowned for its extraordinary tuskers, yet this particular ”Bwana Tembo” eclipses all predecessors.

The S 202 ”Ahmed of Marsabit” tells the story of this unique creature. Eternalised in steel engravings on a big game rifle, this legend is also a testimonial to the legal and effective hunting of big game that contributes decisively to the preservation and diversity of species living in the wild.

Born in 1919, Ahmed grew to become a truly unique giant, justifiably known by the natives and big game hunters alike, as the”King of Marsabit”.

In 1970, in order to protect him from poachers, former president of Kenia, Jomo Kenyatta, placed the elephant under his protection by presidential decree – an unparalleled occurence in the history of the country. Thenceforth, the giant was watched over day and night by two hunters.

Then one morning in 1974, after having waited in vain for their charge to reappear from the copse he had disappeared into the night before, his personal body guards decided to go and look for him. When they found Ahmed dead, he was not lying on his side, but resting majestically on his famous tusks, half leaning against a tree. He was 55.

Today, Ahmed of Marsabit can be admired as a mounted exhibit in front of the Kenian National Museum in Nairobi.



Engraver: Hendrik Frühauf
Year of manufacture: 2005

Lindsay Lohans' Gynecologist.

Any regular readers would know I despise Paris Hilton. I also loathe Lindsay Lohan. This guy whatever his name is - (I couldn't be bothered to look it up) seemed to have some kind of drug and alcohol thing going on when he decided to share Ms. Lohans' vaginal misfortunes with the slobbering Paparazzi. With fairly amusing results. With these facts in mind I can't decide what I think of Paris' new boyfriend.

On one hand he is a waste sausage that needs his cock crushed with a clawhammer, on the other hand he is a champion.

Click here to decide for yourself.



Oh, hang on a minute, here is his public apology to Linsday:


"My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable," Davis says in a statement that sounds like he had some help in writing. "What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week."

Pussy... Typical L.A. spoilt brat, shoots off his mouth then cries and hides behind Mumsy and Dadsy when the cops (or Lawyers) turn up.

Definitely one for the clawhammer.

I'M BACK

In case anyone noticed, I have been sporadic with my posts lately. Well, I'm back muthafackers. All the haters will be happy to know I have an email address for this place now:

frankiefackinj@yahoo.com.au

I expect to hear from some of you lunatics, also looking for contributors, if you have something you think might fit the decor here, drop me a line.

LIGHTNING BOLT!!!

Ever wonder what happened to those geeks at school who used to be obsessed with Dungeons & Dragons? Well wonder no longer...

Welcome to the world of LARPs (live action role playing)

It seems to be a camp mixture of skirmish and the stick wars we used to have when we were kids (children didn't sue or call the cops in my day).

I guess with the right people, costumes and drugs/alcohol this might be fun.

Personally, I'd like to be that Ogre dude and run straight over to that fat facker in the netball skirt and knee him in the cock.


Check these dudes out, they have bad costumes but their playground ROCKS!!

Get all your gnarly foam weapons here! (actually some pretty cool shit-very talented craftspersons)

At least these guys over here have some costume/props making talent.


Still nerds tho.

HARD BASTARD: Takanori Gomi

There has been a lot of mainstream press attention lately to my favorite sport, MMA. Some of this has been negative, some positive, and mostly talking about the UFC.

I like UFC, but they are a poor cousin to Pride FC in Japan.

The Pride lightweight Champion, Takanori Gomi just appeared on the Fox Sports network.

It was a decent interview with one of the best fighters in the world. He is a Former SHOOTO world champion (that's the belt he has in the photo), and currently holds the Pride LW world AND LW tournament belts.

Check it out.

Light My Fire

A PATIENT'S flatulence has been blamed for bringing his hemorrhoid operation to a fiery end. The man suffered minor burns in a brief but dramatic operating theatre fire.

The patient was at the Southern Cross Hospital in Invercargill, New Zealand, to have hemorrhoids removed when the accident happened.

A hospital source said there was a sort of flash fire. The hospital confirmed a fire did occur, and has ordered an investigation.

Man I would love to see that on video, a huge fireball engulfing the surgeons' face, screaming nurses, flying instruments and flaming curtains getting pulled down and stomped on, whilst some cat was head down, arse up unconscious in the middle of it all.

Look Out Beyonce!

This is great, this video is the end result of that most misguided notion, "If I believe in myself, I can do anything!!"

No, you can't.

Because of this absolutely absurd self belief mass delusion, we have rubbish like the (insert random country) Idol series.

This is Jan Terri. She has her own record company, just for her records. That must mean she is really good. :)

She has worked with Reba something or other and Marilyn Munster, err Manson. I think she looks like something out of Lord Of The Rings.

My god. Here is another of her videos...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Terri

How To Lose Your Job

I have no idea what is wrong with this anchor-woman, I'm sure she must have wanted out of her contract...

GUNS OF HIGH DISTINCTION: The Remington 7615P

This fine piece is the Remington 7615P police patrol rifle. It is a pump action 10 shot carbine in .233 Remington (5.56mm Nato). After playing with one, I have decided to get one.

A very fun little number. It is based on the popular 7400 range of Remington pump action rifles. It is also available in .308 (7600)

We had some problems with the police/customs here in Australia trying to prohibit the import of these babies, mostly because they can take high capacity (and cheap) M16/AR15
magazines.

Once you acquire one if these rifles, (in Queensland anyway),
you have a requirement placed on your licence that prohibits the
possession of magazines over a capacity of 10 shots. No matter, just
buy more 10 round magazines I say!

This carbine is a very fast handling and reasonably accurate rifle(for a short barrelled pump). One key feature are the ghost ring sights that provide quick target
acquisition.

This rifle may, in some shooters' opinion cause the authorities to ban
pump action rifles here in Australia. Oh well, by the time that happens
I'm sure I will have had my fun. The inflated buy-back price will help
purchase my next toy.

                       ACCURACY RESULTS REMINGTON 7615P
Load
(brand, bullet        Velocity    Group Size (inches)
weight, type)       (fps)     1       2     3    Average

BLACK HILLS 50 V-MAX   3,066    1.27   1.54  1.54   1.45
FEDERAL 69 GOLD MEDAL  2,468    1.68   2.21  2.19   2.03
REMINGTON UMC 55 MC    2,861    1.25   1.36  1.53   1.38
REMINGTON 55 PSP      2,895    2.40   2.64  2.01   2.36
REMINGTON 55 ACCUTIP-V 2,918    2.95   2.10  1.95   2.33

Average Group Size: 1.91 *

Accuracy results are of 5-shot groups at 50 yards from benchrest.
Velocity is the instrumental average of five shots at 15' over a PACT
chronograph.

7615P
Maker: Remington Arms Co.
870 Remington Dr.
Madison, NC 27025
(800) 243-9700, www.remingtonle.com

ACTION TYPE:   Pump action
CALIBER:   5.56mm NATO
     and .223 Remington
CAPACITY:   10 (AR-15 Mags fit)
BARREL LENGTH:   16.5"
OVERALL LENG:   41"
WEIGHT:   7.3 pounds
FINISH:   Black Parkerizing
SIGHTS:   Barrel or Wilson
     ghost ring
STOCK:   Synthetic 

ANIMAL STORY: Poodle Fitness!

Can someone PLEASE tell me what the fack is going on here? I have to say this would be in the top 10 list of the bizarrest shit I have ever seen...

I'M REALLY SORRY

I would like to apologise for the last couple of weeks without fresh stories here at FFS. Adjusting to a new job and internet hassles kept me from posting.

I have however been preparing new stories (mostly in my head) and will be back on track soon.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say I really hate Ben Lee. Facking moron.

CUISINES OF THE WORLD: Anyone For Coffee?

Like your coffee? Consider yourself a coffee aficionado eh? Ever had CIVET COFFEE?
If you answered yes, you sicken me. This particular type of coffee is made from collecting the SHIT of civets ( a cat like creature from Asia) and roasting the still whole coffee beans that have been rinsed out of the shit. Even the old white crusty ones.

It's the most expensive and sought after coffee in the world, apparently. I can only imagine the guys in the Philippines force feeding the poor critters and squeezing the shit (literally) out of them.

Can I suggest that, if you find yourselves in some swanky joint that happens to have this poo-juice on the menu, have a loud conversation about its origins.

ANIMAL STORY: Ultimate Fighting Cats!

Now here is something for everyone, especially UFC fans and cat lovers.

Before anyone starts screaming ANIMAL CRUELTY!, let me point out these kitties are just playing, I own 2 cats and a real catfight involves a lot of frantic movement and flying clumps of hair.

Therefore it's not cruel, it's cute, so go fack yourself...

MEET DANNY!

Have you ever wondered what kind of FACKING LOSER uses those online dating services? Well wonder no more! Meet Danny, one of the poorest excuses for a man I have seen for some time...

These dating agencies would have you believe that 'busy professionals' who don't have enough time for meeting people use them. BULLSHIT! Busy professionals meet plenty of people, and have lots of sex. These businesses only make money from sad fools who are socially inept. Quite cruel in my opinion, and quite funny to watch!

Things to look out for in this video:

The fact he keeps on saying he wants an attractive woman.-Dude, I think you should settle for anything with a pulse and at least 3 teeth!

The odd sneering pauses (I think he is trying to smile)

And the classic quote:

"I will make a lady laugh once she gets to know me"

I got news for you Danny boy, You have made many ladies laugh already, however I doubt any of them will be getting to know you.

Enjoy...

NEW KIMBO SLICE FIGHT!

Here is a brand new Kimbo Slice fight!

I have no Idea how they keep finding stupid fackers to put $5000 up for the chance to get flogged.
Kimbo is a facking monster!

If you don't know who Kimbo is, click here.

USELESS WANKERS: The Olsen Twins

What the fack is so special about these morons? We just had a visit downunder from these gormless wankers and I had the distinct displeasure of watching a simpering network toady lick their asses in an interview.

What are they famous for again? Oh that's right, they played a kid in some insipid sitcom. Now lets look at that. They played one person. They are that shithouse it took them BOTH to goo-gah a few lines between them.

Then they made a 'tweens' fashion label. What the fack do pre-pubescent girls know about fashion? Most of them dress like cheap Chinese made Barbie dolls, Missy Elliot or prostitutes. I suppose they are an easy market to cater for... They would wear any kind of vomit and don't care about the price tag because they just nag their parents to pay for it.

My beef about them being 'fashion gurus' is every time I see these assholes they seem to be dressed like a couple of 'tweens' that have raided their 40 year old hippy mothers' wardrobe. What the fack is it with the sunglasses-bigger-than-yer-head look? And while I'm at it, what the hell is with the stupid pout? Were they told it appeals to their 40+ paedophile audience at some stage by their publicists? I got news for you girls, not only have the paedos moved on, that retarded expression only serves to make you look like a pair of starving, drug-addled orangutans!

So anyways, as I peruse all the gossip sites, I notice a trend in the Olsen whispers, they seem to like loose sex and smoking crack and ice.
That's all good, but why in god's name are they held up as role models for all the little girls around the world? What kind of message does this send? I guess if you make lots of money, that's something to be respected for, even if you are a dirty crackwhore.

I hate these bags of shit, at least one of them had the common decency to try to kill herself, either by starvation or wrist shaving, it's a shame that she didn't succeed, or at least influence her insipid sex doll of a sister to follow suit.

Here's a nice video game Featuring Mary Kate Olsen

GUNS OF HIGH DISTINCTION:The Vektor H5

This stunning piece of engineering is the Vektor H5 police rifle that was manufactured in Bloemfontein, South Africa. It is an adaptation of an Israeli .223 semi-automatic rifle.

"Why are you writing about a semi-auto, Frankie?", I hear you ask, "You live in Australia, no semis for you!". Well my friends, this Rifle is not a semi-automatic, it's a pump action!

Of course anyone owning one of these in Australia would have to stick to a magazine with a capacity of 10 rounds or less (the one pictured is 30 rounds and would be quite illegal).

The Vektor H5 is based on the South African Galil pattern assault rifle, it was produced after semi automatic rifles were banned in S.A.
There are some key differences between the Galil and the H5. The most noticeable is of course the pump action mechanism on the weapon itself.
Unlike many commonly produced rifles today, the H5 is a pump action rifle which loads a new round into the chamber when the action is pumped. It came with a fixed paratrooper stock or a thumbhole stock and standard 5 and 12 round box magazines with each new rifle.

The H5 was available with a wooden stock & Pump as well as folding stock & Plastic pump. It has no Iron sights and was fitted with a trijicon 4x32 scope, and came in two Barrel lengths, 18 & 24 inch.

Let me just say that I don't wish to aquire one of these babies, for the following reasons: I don't want any 'military' looking rifles, apart from my old WW1 era bolt actions. I think modern military looking firearms just invite criticism. Another reason is that I could not afford the $4000+ price tag one of these rare babies would demand, even if one was available in the first place. Not many were made, and even fewer were exported to places like the USA and Australia.

But I must admit, it would certainly be fun to spend an afternoon putting a few boxes of ammo through one of these suckers at the range!

HELP ME NEIL!!!

This is some funny shit... A UK drug dealer who is most likely the stupidest/most gutless person I have come across in a long time. Also check out the cop pepper spraying the other cop.

VIDEO: Help Me Neil!!!

Drinking Game For Fackwits

I don't know about you guys, but I hate fratboys. We have similar fools here is Australia, but the USA seems to have a certain type of college guy asshole.

You know the type, usually jocks, who love disrespecting women, minorities or anyone who isn't 'cool'. Oh yeah they usually are rich fackers, who are only in college because daddy made them go or they would be written out of the will.

The favorite sport of fratboys (apart from being beaten up by gangs of minorities) seems to be drinking games of various types.

Finally I found a fratboy drinking game we can all enjoy:

PARTY TIME!!!

FOR FACKS SAKE is 1 month old in an hour or so, in my neck of the woods anyway. Let me take this opportunity to show my appreciation to our readers and commentators. To all of you, thanks a lot for taking time to check out my bullshit. Thanks also to Nuggy Glazer.

To the people who don't like the page, get the guts to post some abuse, you weak pus-sucking lumps of shit. Oh and don't forget to go fack yourself as well!

CRAZY FACKER: Viacheslav Datsik

So you think you're a crazy facker huh? You train-surf, you inhale spraypaint, you speed in your daddies' car. You aint nothing bitch. You need to stare into the eyes of madness, and here he is! Viacheslav Datsik.

Good old Datsik (that's his real name, by the way) is a retired (or dead) cagefighter/kickboxer from Ukraine. This guy is an absolute retard who would most likely not be allowed to walk the streets in most countries, let alone fight.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't a tomato can, like poor old Kanehara below, who actually tries to win. Viacheslav doesn't give a fack about winning, he just comes to the ring to freak everyone out.

We are talking about a man who once said "I want to fight and die in the ring".
Datsik was known for his crazy Mortal Kombat style kicks and fighting stance. He was also known for not listening to referees, and had to be restrained by them more than once.

Believe it or not, this guy actually has a win over the current UFC heavyweight champ.

Even though it's not that cool to laugh at the mentally challenged, it sure is funny.

Check him out in action: (warning: there is some blood in this video)

DATSIK HIGHLIGHT REEL BY ALEX

CUISINES OF THE WORLD: Worm Cheese.

Feeling peckish? I'll soon fix that! Here is a tasty treat for ya, Casu Marzu. Folks in the Sardinian region of Italy can't get enough of this gear. It's WORM CHEESE!

Casu Marzu is basically Pecorino cheese that has been left outside and flyblown full of maggots.
I shit you not. Apparently the enzymes produced by the feeding maggots aids in the fermentation of the cheese, in fact causing the milkfat to decompose and a soft pugnant interior to form. This shit has been known to cause burning to the esophogas and stomach and has even been reported to cause hallucinagenic effects. The maggots are eaten raw and alive with the cheese, on bread or crackers, and hopefully washed down with a couple of litres of Grappa.

And if all this doesn't temp you check this out:

'The cheese itself tastes rotten. Enzymes produced by the maggots cause the cheese to ferment and its fats to decompose. The result is a viscous, pungent goo that burns the tongue and can affect other parts of the body. One brave traveler who tried it experienced a strange crawling sensation on his skin that lasted for days. Some of the wiggling worms jump straight toward the eyes with ballistic precision. To protect the eyes, some Sardinians recommend holding a hand over the sandwich.'

The Italian government has banned this crazy wormed-out cheese, but that doesn't stop some wacky Sardinians from making their own.

"Casu marzu's anomalous process of fermentation and decomposition can bring in toxins and bacteria that are damaging to the health," warns Antonio Mauro Carboni, director of the animal-products agency in Sardinias' autonomous government.

Guido Gadola, owner of a cheese factory in the southern Sardinian town of Uta, Summed it up best: "I don't think there is a lot of difference between rotten cheese and rotten meat," Mr. Gadola says. "OK, some people like it. But some people practice cannibalism, too."

Casu marzu can be bought in Sardinia on the black market.

HEALTHWATCH: Alien Hand Syndrome.

Here is yet another funky affliction you can all be glad you don't suffer from. ALIEN HAND SYNDROME involves losing control of one hand, which can do anything from gesticulating to unbuttoning clothes its owner is trying to put on with his or her other hand.
Think of it as a kind of manual Tourettes Syndrome.

The affliction is sometimes called Dr Strangelove Syndrome, thanks to Peter Sellers' inspired performance as Dr Strangelove in the film of the same name. Sellers' mechanical hand alternated between throttling himself and throwing Nazi salutes.

While victims can still experience sensation in the affected hand, they say it seems to have a mind of its own. The only solution is to keep it busy, for example by holding onto something - just not, hopefully, your own throat.

While I could see how an Doctors' letter diagnosing this illness could be useful for getting away with all kinds of things (If you were the mischievous type), It could also be quite dangerous if you were doing something like driving or masturbating!

Sufferers of Alien Hand Syndrome, I salute you. Chances are, you are saluting me right back!

GUN SAFETY: Is It Loaded?

This total and complete FACKING MORON will show you why you must treat every gun as if it is loaded. At all times. No exceptions. Even if you are sure. Even if you took the bloody bullets out last time you used it and put it in the safe. YOU ALWAYS ASSUME IT IS LOADED.

It also helps if you are not a macho know-it-all type who thinks he is the shit. This genius is apparently some kind of 'expert'. Yeah right. Enjoy and learn.

USELESS WANKER: Lee Harding

Lets get one thing clear. I am a punk at heart. I cut my teeth as a young boy on The Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Dead Kennedys and Black Flag to name but a few. I even had some time for 'pop-punk' bands like The Buzzcocks And The Descendants.
These days Punk has become a bit of a joke, but at least bands like Greenday and The Living End try to get some kind of social message across (albeit usually misguided ones).

This dancing monkey is Lee Harding. He thinks he is a punk. He takes his influences from bands like Good Charlotte and Blink 182 (both bands in my opinion need to fed into a large garden mulcher onstage and thrown at their audiences). The main difference between Lee and G.C./182 is they can play instruments, and sing. Lee can't. He sucks ass.

Good old Lee was a finalist in the abhorrent 'Australian Idol' show. I suspect the main reason he got that far was because the mighty TSSH webpage ran a campaign to try to get as many votes for this no-talent gerbil as possible in an attempt to destroy the show by producing a winner that had the marketability of a home caustic soda enema kit.
Sadly their plan failed, in two ways. He didn't win, and he still has a music career for now.
This guy has a song out called 'Wasabi'. That's quite interesting because if his music was food, it would be far from sushi, it would be more like a boiled sweet laced with cats urine.

I sincerely hope that his 15 minutes of fame evaporates quickly, then he can get back to his job at the grocery store. This time cannot be far off, as one of his salivating fat-chick fans recently exposed the fact that he lugs his own gear into shows.
I suppose when all you need is a radio mike, a dat machine and an effects processor with pitch correction (an Eventide Ultra-harmonizer would peg that pitchy voice down nicely), I guess you don't need roadies you can't afford to pay for anyway.

I also hope he realizes he will need a decent disguise to intergrate back into real life (I suggest a brick to the teeth) , as there will be an army of punks, skins, homies and assorted street scum who would love to beat him to a bloody pulp, and stuff his anus with wasabi. You can't spraypaint a dog turd, push a couple of studs into it an call it a punk rock.

In fact I would love to pluck a group of these young 'punks' that are around now and drop them into the middle of one of the rough punk gigs I went to when I was young, say P.I.L at Easts' Leagues Club, or Iggy at the Horden in 89. Just to see how punk they really are. The poor plastic punklings would have been stripped naked and crowd surfed into the nearest rubbish bin!

Best of luck Lee, hope you get plenty of jailbait vaginal juices humped onto your leg for the next 200 non paid appearances then get the fack out of my face, you no-talent piece of shit.

And to all his fans, hurry up and become fat suburban wage-slaves, you guys are nothing but subcultural sewage!

CRAP JOBS:..#3 -Tomato Can.

Everyone loves a winner! The problem is that where there is a winner, there also has to be a loser. Without losers there can be no winners. The guy on the floor, about to get stomped by Mauricio 'Shogun' Rua, is one of these generous souls who has made losing an artform.
His name is Hiromitsu Kanehara, and he is what's known in the fight game as a 'Tomato Can'. His job is to go out and fight guys he has NO FACKING CHANCE at beating.
The reasons for the 'can' are many. Firstly, it allows great fighters to have an easy night, maybe because they are injured, or they have just come off a tough loss. It also allows the Japanese fans to see someone show 'fighting spirit' under tremendous adversity.

There are many cans in MMA. Some like Sentoryu Miller, Akebono and Giant Silva, are there because of their previous fame as sumo and pro wrestlers, and their imposing size. Seeing such man-mountains crash to the ground at the hands of the more highly skilled (and usually much smaller) opponents gives great satisfaction to the Japanese MMA fans.

Kanehara is a pro wrestler. An admirable thing about Japanese pro wrestlers is, unlike their American counterparts, they pride themselves on being able to fight and often take part in MMA matches purely to show how tough they are. Brave? Yes..Stupid?..Maybe.
Here is a rundown of Hiromitsu Kaneharas' fighting career. Notice he had a good run in the year 2000 (in the middle) but he soon got that red ripe goodness going again! This gutsy guy has won 2 matches in the last 5 years..But he still keeps coming back for more! Next time you feel bad about going into the office, spare a thought for Kanehara..At least no one stomps your ass at work!

Loss Chalid Arrab Decision (Majority)
Loss Yuki Kondo Decision (Unanimous)
Loss Iouri Bekichev TKO
Loss Mauricio Rua TKO (Stomp)
Loss Alistair Overeem TKO (Cut)
Loss Mirko Filipovic Decision (Unanimous)
Loss Wanderlei Silva TKO (Towel)
Draw Mikhail Illoukhine Draw
Win Paul Cahoon Decision (Split)
Win Kelly Jacobs TKO (Lost Points)
Loss Matt Hughes Decision (Majority)
Loss Ricardo Arona Submission (Kneebar)
Loss Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira Submission (Rear Naked Choke)
Win Dave Menne TKO (Punches)
Win Tom Sauer TKO (Punches)
Win Alexandre Ferreira Submission (Kimura)
Win Josh Hall Decision (Split)
Win Adrian Serrano Submission (Armlock)
Loss Renato Sobral Decision (Unanimous)
Loss Mario Sperry Decision (Majority)
Win Valentijn Overeem KO
Loss Dan Henderson Decision (Majority)
Win Jeremy Horn Decision (Majority)
Loss Ricardo Morais Decision
Win Lee Hasdell Decision

HARD BASTARD: Kimbo Slice

Many of you will be familiar with Kimbo Slice. A lot of you won't be. His Infamous "Backyard Brawl" video is the stuff of internet legend. Our correspondent Nuggy Glazer reports.

"Hey y'all I'm Kimbo, cousin of Emmanuel Augustus, I'm a badass Miami enforcer who fights for purses of 3-5 gs on a regular basis. I'll put up my money up against yours to find out who is superior. I doesn't care if it's at your place of work or in your own backyard. If you're willing to put up the dough, I'll fight you for it."

Kimbo Slice (amazingly that's his last name), is an ex-con who did ten years of hard time but was finally released about 10 months ago. He fights in underground boxing matches from time to time, winning purses that range from 3-10 thousand gs. This year alone, he's 9-1. His lone loss was suffered when his opponent used mace. Kimbo acknowledges the loss because he says, "I shoulda kicked his ass much faster and knocked the bitch out cold. And before the fight we said no weapons, but didn't say no mace."

Backed by the owner of a popular Miami based porn website, Kimbo earned his first 10 thousand dollar purse when he knocked out that same opponent in a rematch. The bout took but a mere 10 seconds. Not taking any chances, Kimbo pounced on his opponent 5 times after he was out cold.

"I am well aware that underground fighting is illegal but I cannot help it. I can't earn a decent living through legit means because of my prison track record. If you were a big bad ass in my situation and someone came up to you and said, "I know someone who will fight you for 10 grand heads up", you might consider it. I am now now considering turning pro through the advice of my cousin, Emmanuel Augustus, and local boxing trainers in Miami. Once I turn pro, I will leave my underground fighting days behind. As I contemplate the countless possibilities, I will continue to fight in underground battles to provide for myself and my disabled mother."

As Kimbo so eloquently put it, "That's how a ***** eat."

Nuggy Glazer reporting.

Thanks Nuggy, and thanks Kimbo, even though you lost to that fat cop Gannon(in another infamous underground fight) and you have been known to party with that piece of garbage Paris Hilton, you are A FACKING LEGEND.
I hope your mother is well, and your little porn-king mate in the 4x4 drops dead of a coke overdose.

Please note people, the following Kimbo fight has nothing to do with MMA, or even PRO BOXING, this is simply how one brother makes his money. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't pass judgement on a man until you've walked a mile in his Nikes...
For those of you with the stomach for it, here is "Backyard Brawl" It aint pretty, It's bare-knuckle, and its for real.

USELESS WANKER: Leisel Jones

This is the first of the USELESS WANKER series. These articles will concentrate on people in our community that do SWEET FACK ALL, except chase their pathetic hunger for glory, fame and money. They do all of this while basically demanding to be financially supported. And if they do manage to wriggle their way to glory, we must endure a week or two of rabid adulation from the hordes of gibbering wage-slaves, under the direction of our mighty media demi-gods.

First off the rank is Leisel Jones. She swims fast. SO WHAT? Swimming must be the single most boring sport I could imagine to watch. Throw a facking CROC or WHITE POINTER in and I'd be far more interested. Anyways "our Leisel" swam fast a few years ago, then for a while she couldn't swim as fast as she wanted to. Leisel then spat the dummy and got depressed and even had the gall to have a shitty look on her gormless face when she accepted non-gold medals at the Athens Olympics.

Poor diddums! To quote the self indulgent little chlorine junky:
"Swimming was everything to me and if I swum bad my whole world fell apart. Especially after the 2004 Olympics, where I just fell into absolute depression, where I just hated everything and almost wanted to shut myself off from the world, and I thought if I had a life outside of that I would have something to look forward to and it wouldn't matter."

Depressed? DEPRESSED? Go get a facking job you spoiled little shit-stain! Anyone who spends their whole life thinking about themselves gets depressed, most people are too busy FACKING WORKING to get depressed!

Why was she so down? It was because her and her family would have been banking on all the sponsorship deals, in fact she was whining about how her family was bankrupt. WELL, that's your fault, not ours, DICKHEAD! And anyways, if she thinks she will clean up like Thorpy in the sponsorship stakes, she is deluded. Men who wear pearls(!!!), the Japanese and some deranged women find Thorpy enchanting for some reason.
I don't think "our Leisel" will appeal to anyone, quite frankly. Even if she got an Evinrude 200 horsepower outboard retrofitted up her clacker and nailed every event in record time, I doubt many sponsors would be interested.

The good news for Australia, apparently, is she can swin fast again and she's not depressed anymore. Does anyone care enough to give her some money? I doubt it!

Australians have represented us in the world of Martial Arts in Japan and the USA for years. We have had bona-fide stars appear on live TV in Japan- huge productions with millions of viewers, sponsored by Toyota. Here in Australia we don't even hear a sweak about these guys on SBS Toyota World Sport!
The way we have the most boring sports imaginable rammed down our throats in this country, while true athletes are ignored is bad enough, but when we get told to adore sullen little turds, I well and truly draw the line.

CUISINES OF THE WORLD: Putrified Shark.

Large sharks have lots of nasty gear in them, ammonia, heavy metals, and in some cases, cyanic acid.
you would think that this would stop crew from eating em huh?

well, no...Some clever chap in iceland discovered if you let the Shark go rotten, you could eat it without vomiting blood..

Apparently, it is like eating a piece of urine soaked rotten fish...

In case you want to try to make some yourself, and you know you do, here is the recipe, but be careful, because believe it or not, you can fack-up the process and spoil it....If it tastes as good as they say when it's done right, imagine what it must taste like if you get it wrong?


Putrefied shark:

Take one large shark, gut and discard the innards, the cartilage and the head. Cut flesh into large pieces.Wash in running water to get all slime and blood off. Dig a large hole in coarse gravel, preferably down by the sea and far from the nearest inhabited house - this is to make sure the smell doesn't bother anybody. Put in the shark pieces, and press them well together. It's best to do this when the weather is fairly warm (but not hot), as it hastens the curing process. Cover with more gravel and put heavy rocks on top to press down. Leave for 6-7 weeks (in summer) to 2-3 months (in winter). During this time, fluid will drain from the shark flesh, and putrefication will set in.


When the shark is soft and smells like ammonia, remove from the gravel, wash, and hang in a drying shack. This is a shack or shed with plenty of holes to let the wind in, but enough shade to prevent the sun from shining directly on the shark. Let it hang until it is firm and fairly dry: 2-4 months. Warm, windy and dry weather will hasten the process, while cold, damp and still weather will delay it.

Slice off the brown crust, cut the whitish flesh into small pieces and serve.


YOU CAN'T BEAT ANY RECIPE THAT REQUIRES GRAVEL...I KNOW I KEEP A COUPLE HUNDRED KILOS OF THE STUFF IN MY PANTRY!

GUN SAFETY: Recoil.

This guy is about to shoot a very big gun, I think it's a .577 T-Rex...
Shooting a weapon you cannot control, or one that is so powerful you fear the recoil, is a big no-no. Not only can you hurt yourself, you can shoot waaay off target, another big no-no.
Flinching in anticipation of a big kick will also result in poor accuracy.
Now we have gone over these important points, let's just enjoy the comedy value of someone facking up......

BOYS FOR RENT!!

Someone is paying a small fortune on e-bay to have a BBQ with these guys....

The people bidding must be one of the following:

1. Rich foriegn widows desperate to get Aussie citizenship.
2. Some exclusive human hunting club (as suggested by The Frenzel Rhomb guys).
3. Cannibals (who misread the e-bay listing because of a dodgy translator page) "ohh no Hans..we can't get BBQ them!!!"
   
4. Reality TV producers who will lock them in the house with a collection of ex-insane asylum inmates, middle aged hookers, a wrong chick who thinks she's hot and an angry midget.
5. A biker gang who hate metrosexuals.
6. Elton John.
7. A gang of Indonesian credit card thieves, having a good laugh (god I hope so).
   
8. Paris Hilton. She screwed MILLSY -These chaps look like Millsy x4 to me....
   
9. A syndicate of 10 000 Fat chicks.
10. A really sad RICH FACKER.
    

If anyone wants to give me 100 grand, I'll party with em fer a year!!! You'll have a better time and see wilder shit than these PIMPLY FACKERS could ever imagine!!!!

Good on em though, male prostitution doesn't get enough positive press coverage.

STOP PRESS!!!!!They have added to their listing:

"We are now only accepting bids from people who have an eBay history and positive feedback. We would also like to remind all bidders the weekend will comprise of nothing more than beer, sausages (of the lamb, chicken or pork variety), hopefully a few laughs and the possibility of an international guest."

AWWW.... Spoilsports!! No sex? No cannibalism? What a facking rip-off!! You can find a bunch of deadshits to glom onto in any pub in Australia, it only costs a couple beers or a gram or two of weed!!
CHECK OUT THEIR E-BAY LISTING